Today is Easter, 2012. Bubba Watson won the Master's, I had the "blues" all morning. I watched the sunrise this morning meditating and in prayer while in the hot tub! I have been a widow for 11 years. I have raised two sons, one is 22 and is a senior in college. He left the "nest" last December. My other son is 21 and still living here at home, attending college and is counting the days before he can "fly from the nest". They were 9 and 10 when their father died of renal cell cancer. He was 39. Since that time I have devoted my life, my time and my love to the boys. I suppose I am going through the beginnings of empty nest syndrome which comes to all of us parents, but when you have a spouse I think you can lean on each other. When my husband died, I made a pack with myself that God had given me this children to raise and I would not seek any male relationships until they were raised and out of the house. We all went through three years of "hell" while my husband was ill and I couldn't see putting my needs before my sons. They did not need more adjustments to life, they had been through so much! I am living to regret that decision now, as we all do, I suppose when reflecting on the history of our lives. I am 58 years old and alone in this world. I have good friends and am blessed by having them, but most of the time I feel like the "third wheel" with my couple friends. I retired after 29 years with the State and went to work full time at a woman's clothing store. I recently left that job (retail is brutal on a 58 year old, let me tell you!). In February I went out on a limb, something I've never done before to become "self-employed" contractor for a friend starting a new business (he retained his full time job). The compensation is just not there. In two short months, I found I was working for less than $1.00 and hour, put over 1200 miles on my car (which I know I can deduct under business expenses on this years taxes) BUT, it does not help me financially now. I am blessed with a retirement check which makes my house payment and basic expenses including insurance, but I need more than $1.00 an hour to make ends meet. I am leaving that "short business venture" this week and guess I will start looking for a salaried part time job.
While I have never been under the assumption that having a "man" is the answer to all the problems of life, I have truly missed the companionship of a close relationship. The problem is that at 58, where does one meet someone? I have gone out twice in the last year. One ended up having a drinking problem, the other had way to many problems to go into in the space of a blog. I am suspended in a "lonely space". Internet dating is not my thing, night clubbing is not my thing. What does one do? Any suggestions?
